Episode 5

I've got a song that's stuck in my head - not quite as bad as the one Joe Simpson had in Touching the Void* but it's not far off... it's also not really a typical ear worm and it's not the whole song. It begins "Where do we go from here, this isn't where we intended to be..."

As I'm sure you’ll all recognise, it's the opening line from You Must Love Me from Evita. Later it continues: "Certainties disappear, what do we do for our dreams to survive? How do we keep all our passions alive as we used to do?" Although strangely fitting, the lyrics are staying with me almost constantly which is less than ideal, and to paraphrase Ms. Minogue, I can't get them out of my head! Luckily, my permanent internal soundtrack has coincided with the locating of my missing headphones so I am at least able to block it out for a bit most days.

The lyrics have got me thinking though about the journey that we're on, this unending road to nowhere. However, if this is a journey it's the weirdest one I've ever been on. No one has any idea where we're going, there's not enough snacks, the sat nav doesn't work and no one can find the map. And no, we're not nearly there yet.

The lack of actually travelling to work most days has for me resulted in a need to find an alternative outlet for my energies, which is it transpires, a daily 'run'**. More accurately, a daily jog-a-bit (while pulling the same face I made whilst giving birth), then-walk-a-bit-maybe-jog-a-tiny-bit-more (especially if I encounter others) and-then-walk-a-lot-more, then moan/show off about it for the rest of the day. But still I continue to go, every day. Why? I think possibly because it gives me a focus and a kind of purpose - or (more likely), I'm hoping it will cancel out the (previously mentioned) Food Brain Christmas eating.

That said, it does actually offer some vital benefits. A shape to the day, a routine, some peace and space. Others include guilt-free time out of the (mad)house, a sort of virtuous smugness, and occasionally the odd spark of an idea as well. The most recent of these was to expand the NYGB #NYOdetojoy doorstep playing idea a little wider. I wondered how we might spread the joy (while being super careful not to spread 'anything else'***) a bit further and so invited my neighbours’ children to join us with our rendition. And so at 5pm on Friday 17th April we joined (at an appropriate distance) together with countless others across the country with our tribute to Beethoven. The result was not at all polished or perfect but was certainly joyful and fun and there are already plans for further street corner concerts.

During these strange and unusual times, there is a definite 'ebb and flow' feeling about things  (thanks Hannah Weston for that analogy) that I'm not entirely in sync with. I seem to lurch from moments of being super motivated and convinced I could tackle and complete all the jobs on my never ending 'to do 'list, to being paralysed, swamped by a sort of inertia which renders me incapable of making a basic decision. It's a struggle to maintain the former and cope with the latter and am mostly feeling ok (and also totally not ok) about that.

The not knowing, the uncertainty, the lack of an 'end point', the sheer relentlessness makes our current situation exceptionally challenging. However, there will be an end point. It is a bit like childbirth, there's definitely a flicker of light at the end of the pain tunnel somewhere, you just have to endure things until then, and like now, no one can tell you how long it will last. Also like childbirth, navigating this unexplored landscape requires inner resolve, commitment and a steely determination to find the positives. One of which for a person like me who regularly fails to be on time, is that thanks to never having to actually get out of the house or get dressed properly, I'm currently on time to all my meetings and appointments. The Management team at YMH have fully embraced home-working and are getting pretty au fait with Zoom meeting etiquette.

Ultimately though, it comes down to how we navigate our way along this journey and how we get through it. Luckily, we all have different coping mechanisms and survival strategies. For some it's keeping busy and active, for others it's stepping back, pausing and reflecting. The point is to do what's right for ourselves. What seems like inspirational ideas for some might feel like unwelcome pressure for others. The concept that we all must 'gain' something out of this experience really can be ignored and could in fact be damaging. According to a BBC Worklife article it could even lead to more stress and even burnout. We don't have to come out of this experience fluent in a new language or having mastered an instrument, we simply need to finish the journey.

So where do we go from here? Perhaps we do attempt to learn to crochet (I'm still going and not quite succeeding, despite heroic efforts from my online tutor), have a bash at conversational Mandarin, or maybe even try a few songs or ukulele chords (possibly courtesy of the new online learning resources available on #YMHShare). Or maybe we don’t do any of these things. It actually doesn't matter, at the moment it's a bit like that classic movie Groundhog Day, every day sort of the same but slightly differently so. For now we just need to keep each other smiling if we can (as perfectly captured in this video below sent to me recently), forget about the destination or how long it will take to get there, keep our eyes on the road ahead and do whatever we need to do pass the time.

* 'Brown Girl in the Ring' by Boney M...
** When I say 'run', this is meant only in the loosest sense of this word.
*** A mere quasi reference rather than an actual mention...